October 7th, 2023

Autumn is here, well in spirit anyways. Today it was 70ish degrees in the grand ole yeehaw state and my choice of running errands outfit you may be asking yourself? Why, a matching sweatsuit of course! What did I eat today? Homemade chili! It’s fall y’all!

As someone who likes cold weather and lives in one of the hottest states in the south, today was a cold day for me and I loved every minute of it. Went for a walk, enjoyed the beautiful sunset. It was a good day over all.

Like the seasons, a lot is changing in my life and yet nothing is changing at all. I’m having epiphanies, mental break downs, and crying.. a lot. I feel as though my mindset is changing and evolving and my actions aren’t. Which sends my into a tizzy of “I have no control of my life” panic attack. Solution? I numb it with watching The Office and eating dairy free cookie dough ice cream in the same hoodie I’ve worn for the past week.

That method used to work for numbing my feelings, not so much anymore. In the back of my mind a small voice whispers “You were meant for more than this, you can do better.” That is when the voice of fear starts screaming drowning out the small whisper:

“Doing means trying, if you try you might fail, people will judge you, what if it doesn’t work, huh? What if you fall flat on your face. What about all the responsibility that comes with doing better, if you slip up that’s you failing, if you create an expectation of better for yourself that others take note of and you slip up you’re letting them down along with yourself.”

For some weird reason I agree with the fear screaming at me and sink back into my chair.. ice cream in hand and turn up the tv just a little bit more.

Lately though I feel like my whispered voice is growing in strength, she’s getting louder, and now I have ‘courage’ and ‘fear’ having a screaming match in my head.

I feel like I’m stuck in limbo,

seeing all that I’m doing wrong, taking note of things that don’t benefit me, understanding that my poor choices have consequences, really seeing what I need to do to change.. and then just.. not changing.

Then I beat myself up, “Why? Why can’t you just do better for us?” I say to myself. Do I not want to get better? Is the voice of fear still winning in this cage match in my head subconsciously?

So many questions, so many feelings.

I’m trying, slowly, everyday to be more conscious. To be present and in the moment. To think before I speak, make choices, act. The phrase”do not be afraid” is written in the bible 365 times. That is a reminder for every single day of the year. Yet, here I am afraid. I read somewhere if you are anxious it means you are not trusting God enough. He is in control always.

Outside one of my favorite local coffee shops is a painted post with the words “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” I have heard this quote/prayer before but recently it’s hitting a little harder. It’s a good reminder.

Feeling like we are in control may be helpful in feeling grounded and safe sometimes but when things start piling up and it feels like the weight of the world is on our shoulders, we can’t hold it. We are only human. There is only One who can handle all the control and His name is God.

“Only the sound of my hands shaking
But ever since you and your arms saved me

I don’t hold the weight of the world anymore”

– “Weight of the World” by Jon Bellion

It’s definitely a daily effort for sure, to remember to lay it all at His feet. To remind myself that I am not in control of the big picture no matter how hard I try and no matter what I do. No amount of stress is going to change anything. God is in control and He is a good and loving Father who wants the best for me, His plan and timing are always right. He can see situations I can’t see and hear conversations I can’t hear and He knows what’s best for me way more than I ever could think or imagine for myself.

All I have to do is be still.

Which, as an over thinker can be very difficult, but with God anything is possible.

It’s important to remember things I can control:

Pray
Being in the Word
Going to church
Waking up early
Getting enough sleep
Drinking plenty of water
Eating healthy food
Moving my body
Having a fun hobby
Saving my money

And to give the rest to God and not stress about the rest, easier said than done, maybe, just gotta take it day by day.

And with that,

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Amen,
love Haley